Having a weak moment

So, I just need to get this out of my system.
Anyone who bothers to read this don't read into it, I just need to get it out.

So here's the deal.
You know how there are sometimes little magazine questionnaires that ask how depressed you are? Among the questions are: How many times a week do you consider killing yourself.
Well, that question's wasted on me. The more appropriate question is: How many times a day?
Fact of the matter is, it's ever-present. And, to be perfectly blunt, it pretty much never leaves my head.

I have to admit it's gotten to the point where I've tried to figure out, logistically, how to make it happen without leaving those behind to wonder why I did it. More specifically, I've tried to figure out how to hire someone to end me so that those left behind wouldn't have to wonder about suicide. Leave it to a senseless murder and have it at that.
Bottom line: I'm a coward. God knows I've tried to off myself in the past. Many, many years ago, but not recently and, as much as I'm ready to be done, I just can't do it.

We'll leave it at that.
Fret not, whoever reads this.
I'm still here and I'll probably delete this soon enough. I just needed to get it down, to 'fess up.