Having a weak moment

So, I just need to get this out of my system.
Anyone who bothers to read this don't read into it, I just need to get it out.

So here's the deal.
You know how there are sometimes little magazine questionnaires that ask how depressed you are? Among the questions are: How many times a week do you consider killing yourself.
Well, that question's wasted on me. The more appropriate question is: How many times a day?
Fact of the matter is, it's ever-present. And, to be perfectly blunt, it pretty much never leaves my head.

I have to admit it's gotten to the point where I've tried to figure out, logistically, how to make it happen without leaving those behind to wonder why I did it. More specifically, I've tried to figure out how to hire someone to end me so that those left behind wouldn't have to wonder about suicide. Leave it to a senseless murder and have it at that.
Bottom line: I'm a coward. God knows I've tried to off myself in the past. Many, many years ago, but not recently and, as much as I'm ready to be done, I just can't do it.

We'll leave it at that.
Fret not, whoever reads this.
I'm still here and I'll probably delete this soon enough. I just needed to get it down, to 'fess up.

Pinball machine in my head

Ah, the joy of an MRI.
Hadn't had one in more than a year, but given my recent inability to walk, see, or use one of my hands, it seemed about time.
Nothing terribly new thus far, of course, I won't get the results for a bit.
However, good gravy, boy does it suck to have to take out piercings and put them back in after a three hour spell. Lots of alcohol swabs.
Not to mention me, with my tendency towards giddiness, giggling when the machine sounded particularly pinball-machine-esque. Yeah, didn't exactly speed up the process.

Ah well. Assuming the worst. Hoping for the best. The body hasn't exactly been cooperating lately so I don't have the greatest expectations this time around.

Anyway, here's hoping. It's not like I have any specific goals, but things are finally happening for people in my family that I'd like to see, so I'd like to be around for them.

What's wrong? Where to begin.

*sigh*

Sox lost again today. Now down 2-1 to Cleveland.
That's bad enough.
Crud. Sad. Distraught and annoyed as all get out that, despite the fact that Chicago is closer to Cleveland than to Boston, there were far, FAR too many people happy to see Cleveland win tonight.

Next up: My car's not working again.
Yes, it's the battery again. And yes, that's twice within less than a year. Thinking it's the alternator. Right, I can afford to get that fixed. Sure.

Next: Really not a big deal, but my VCR's not working. It either doesn't tape anything when I set the timer or it eats the tape. Small potatoes, but makes a shitty day craptacular. Got to come home to not have anything to watch and enjoy to take the anger edge off.

Next up: The flippin' CTA. That's Chicago Transit Authority.
They're shutting down (or very seriously threatening to shut down) boatloads of bus routes including, but definitely not limited to, the bus closest to my apartment which takes me south to my neurologist's office, not to mention any number of other places I need to get to, whether my car is working or not considering I can barely see well enough to risk driving these days. Gee, it'd be nice to be able to get to my neurologist's office about that, wouldn't it?

Ok, ok, ok. Time for the flip side.

Had a couple of consolation shots purchased for me tonight at the bar. Made the walk home easier.

The Patriots are kicking the living shit out of any team who dares face them.

I'm going out for sushi and sake tomorrow with a friend of mine as a belated birthday celebration, followed by another night of (hopefully) kicking ass at pool league with other friends of mine.

See what I did there? I'm trying, really I am to be glass half full here. I'm even leaving out everything that puts me basically on suicide watch on a daily basis. Really trying.
But, honestly, considering the whole suicide watch thing (not really kidding, unfortunately) it's a wonderful thing to have sports fandome. While it may seem trivial to some to rest one's daily emotions on the outcome of what is "just a game" to most, it's a comfort here.

Go Pats. Go Sox. Great googly moogly.

PostScript: Got one outta three on Tuesday. Sushi rocked. Pool and baseball both sucked and blew.
It's Thursday now, win or be done Sox. All on Beckett's more than capable shoulders.

What the hell?

I know I haven't posted in a while, and I'm probably not going to post again any time too soon.
But here's a quick summary of what's been going on and why I haven't been posting.

Shortly after my last post, my eyes quit on me.
I'm still residually dealing with it now, another reason this'll be brief.
Basically, I can't really have my eyes open for any extended period of time. It hurts.
It hurts to watch tv, it hurts to look at my computer screen and it positively kills to be anywhere that is well lit. I don't know if it's a relapse or what, but it's definitely a pain in the ass.

How have I been dealing with it? Why in the wrong way, of course. Self-medicating - too much. Drinking - waaaaaay too much. And, of course - bitching. To no one in particular, since no one's around, but still.

It's much better now that it has been this last few weeks but it's still not back to the point of regular day-to-day eye usage. I've been watching/listening to a lot of sci-fi as a result - lots of good sound effects and, since I'm a bit of a geek, I've watched them all multiple times so I definitely don't need to watch to keep track of what's going on.

What else? Well, the Patriots are kicking ass. Oh, and yes, I think anyone who thinks there were the only team cheating on some level is naive.
The Red Sox seem to not even want the Wild Card these days and the fucking Yankees can't seem to lose, so I'm getting a little stressed with regards to the pending post-season.

Beyond that, well, nothing else is really new.
I'll stop back when I can, and apologies to all who I've neglected to visit or comment on blogwise - I'm around, just briefly.

Serenity...sometime? Soon? Please?

Resolved - I'm no longer fun when I drink.
Time for a serious break from booze.
I don't just mean cut back either, I think I really just need to stop for a bit.

I was out last night, watching the horrendous display of the Red Sox against, of all teams, the Royals. Had a few beers and, courtesy of my friend the bartender, a couple of shots.

No problem there. Had a good time chatting with her despite the ball game. It was nice to catch up since, due to the All Star break hadn't been out to see her and watch baseball in a good week and change.

Went then to my roommate's pub quiz to help if needed, and otherwise, to hang out.
Had one more beer. That's it.

So far so good. Had fun. Really. Good turnout, good quiz.

Pub quiz ended and an acquaintance/almost friend comes up to me and says "How've you been? Haven't seen you in a while."

For whatever reason, the floodgates opened. I suddenly spilled all this crap on him that I really had no business sharing and, before I knew it, I was crying.
Really pretty embarrassing. He clearly wasn't ready for it either, but was really kind and supportive/sympathetic.

I apologized and left and went to bed.

Honestly I don't know what's up. I know I needed to get those things off my chest, but I don't know why then and there and to him.
Haven't really had anyone to talk to lately, like really talk to, I guess. Kind of a caveat for being a homebody.

In any case, taking a break for a little while anyway.
Of course, next week I'll be headed to Massachusetts for a little family time on the Cape, and, as many people know, my family and I only really get along when lots of wine is involved, so we'll see.