Having a weak moment

So, I just need to get this out of my system.
Anyone who bothers to read this don't read into it, I just need to get it out.

So here's the deal.
You know how there are sometimes little magazine questionnaires that ask how depressed you are? Among the questions are: How many times a week do you consider killing yourself.
Well, that question's wasted on me. The more appropriate question is: How many times a day?
Fact of the matter is, it's ever-present. And, to be perfectly blunt, it pretty much never leaves my head.

I have to admit it's gotten to the point where I've tried to figure out, logistically, how to make it happen without leaving those behind to wonder why I did it. More specifically, I've tried to figure out how to hire someone to end me so that those left behind wouldn't have to wonder about suicide. Leave it to a senseless murder and have it at that.
Bottom line: I'm a coward. God knows I've tried to off myself in the past. Many, many years ago, but not recently and, as much as I'm ready to be done, I just can't do it.

We'll leave it at that.
Fret not, whoever reads this.
I'm still here and I'll probably delete this soon enough. I just needed to get it down, to 'fess up.

Unexpected memories and kindness

When I was in high school, I remember doing a project for my Psychology class. My partner and I had decided to test a rudimentary form of altruism and to what extent it may exist in the general public. We dropped envelopes around all over town. Some near post boxes, some not. Some with postage, some without. And we subsequently would see how many of them we ultimately received in the mail. Some were simply dropped in the mail by kind passers-by. Others were picked up, given the proper postage and mailed. And so on and so forth.

Anyway, onto my current experience.
My senior year of college, during January of 1996, I went on a month-long trip arranged by our Classics department, to be spent in different parts of Italy. I was an art-history major, but managed to find a spot in this program, if only out of a desperate need to get to Italy. My eternal enduring love.
During this month, we were instructed to maintain a journal of our experiences that we would have to turn in at the end of the month, along with an additional project that was relevant to our experience in Italy. I ultimately turned in my journal and a small wooden sculpture that served double duty with a (go figure) sculpture class I was taking during the Spring term.

I go downstairs to get the mail today and find a large manila envelope addressed to me from the once familiar zip code of 55105 - the address for Macalester College.

Some person who now worked in the Classics department, came upon my journal from twelve years ago, tracked down my current address, and mailed me my journal.
Granted, it was only twenty-six days of memories, but still, so many that came flooding back in a way that photos can only glimpse without providing context.
It's been a bizarre evening for me. Thumbing through it, marveling at, along with how neat my handwriting once was (back when both hands worked) how different my perception of just about everything was. I also definitely saw the pretention in some of my entries. The concerted effort to sound more intelligent that I was/am. I know I do that still, but hell, what can you do?

In any case. It was so far out from expected. Just crazy. And wonderful.
Did you ever see the movie Amelie? When she finds the box of a young boy's memories and tracks him down to anonymously give it to him? I know this is nothing so profound as a childhood keepsake, but nonetheless, I have a great debt of gratitute to offer this anonymous benefactress.

Ok. It's been a long day.
And it's Truck Day! Equipment for Spring Training is on it's way to Florida for the Red Sox!
In case you were wondering, yes, I mourned for the Patriots' loss. But I'm over it and ready for a new season of baseball.
Woo hoo!

Pinball machine in my head

Ah, the joy of an MRI.
Hadn't had one in more than a year, but given my recent inability to walk, see, or use one of my hands, it seemed about time.
Nothing terribly new thus far, of course, I won't get the results for a bit.
However, good gravy, boy does it suck to have to take out piercings and put them back in after a three hour spell. Lots of alcohol swabs.
Not to mention me, with my tendency towards giddiness, giggling when the machine sounded particularly pinball-machine-esque. Yeah, didn't exactly speed up the process.

Ah well. Assuming the worst. Hoping for the best. The body hasn't exactly been cooperating lately so I don't have the greatest expectations this time around.

Anyway, here's hoping. It's not like I have any specific goals, but things are finally happening for people in my family that I'd like to see, so I'd like to be around for them.

My Halloween

That's what I tend to call New Years.
It's the one day of the year that I don't dress like the butchest straight chick I know.

So, complete with contacts, skirt, unsensible shoes and (gasp!) makeup, I made my way to a nearby bar to hang out with some friends and ring in the new year.

All in all a pretty good night. Drank far too much - go figure - this is what happens when you pay forty bucks to drink for five hours.

Also made the final move in a little dance I'd been doing with one of the regulars that I hang out with. Not a bad night. I mean really, who doesn't like to start the new year off by getting laid, right? Although it did make for one of the longer walks of shame I've made in recent years, especially considering it had snowed, it was now 10AM and I was still dressed up, if a little disheveled. Ah well, the price you pay.

What else. Well, did make it to Massachusetts for the holidays to see family, so that went well enough. One of the first times in several years that there was a lot of snow on the ground. Extremely picturesque and time with the family was pretty enjoyable. Not to mention I made it through the holidays without gaining weight. Actually, I weigh ten pounds less than I did at Halloween so progress is being made. It's a bonus that it's chilly out and I've been subsisting on soups - comforting yet low fat.

That's about it for me.
I know I haven't been posting lately but really, there hasn't been that much to post about. Not to mention I still can't see very well so it's not the easiest thing to sit and try to type accurately.
Don't know when I'll be back, but if nothing else, I have my blogger account to I can comment at other sites, which one day I'll get around to doing as well.

That didn't take long

Needless to say, the whole gung-ho attitude for going to the gym has gone by the wayside.
I'll still try to go, but posting about it has proven to be too deflating to my ego when I fail.
So much for that.

In other news - there isn't any.
Tired. Toenail-less. And all-around sore all the time.
I'm not sure what's going on lately, but everything hurts. Even my skin, which is weird.
I mean, I'll walk, and that hurts. But I'm used to that. But now, where my legs hurt, the skin all along stings, almost burns. And this is the case everywhere - arms, back etc.
Just odd. No rash. No allergy. Just. Pain. Sux.

Anyway, so I'm staying in and sulking a lot..

On the bright side - the Patriots are still undefeated and are playing again this weekend after a bye week. And the Celtics are undefeated too. Granted, they've played fewer games this season so far than the Pats but still, off to a nice start. So greatful for the distraction of sports.
Good times.

Week One - Day Six

Clearly I need new sneakers.
I am now without two toenails, the ones that had blisters formed under them.
Now they really hurt. Something fierce.
So no gym today. This really sucks actually. I almost ended up going yesterday anyway but by the time I strengthened my resolve, it was late enough that it would be dark out when I would be on my way home. As we all know, Jess's brain doesn't let her eyes work in the dark, even with headlights, so that plan was axed. Groceries were purchased and that was about it.

For the rest of the weekend, there really seems to be no reason not to be hermetically sealed in my apartment.
Seeing as how Boston seems to be the center of the sports universe, I have access to everything from here.
Last night I was able to keep track of the Celtics kicking ass in their opener.
Today, the Boston College game'll be on network tv.
Tomorrow, that Pats-Colts - the most hyped game ever - will be on network tv.
Plus, as a bonus, so is the Vikings game right before it.

So really, except for running out of booze and beer, there's really no need to leave the house this weekend, and if I do, well, CVS is just a limping block away.


Postscript: Ok, started to feel really shitty about myself so I went to the gym and gave it a shot.
Only made it 2.17 miles before I had to stop, but hey, I tried. At least now I won't have not exercised two days in a row and it'll be ok for me to not go tomorrow in celebration of, you know, football!

Week One - Day Five

Giving the toe a break.
Stupid blister. Popped, but now extra tender.

If nothing else, I'll walk to the grocery store instead of taking the car, so that's almost a mile round trip.
Pfeh.
Tomorrow. Promise.