I wish I wish I wish
Allow me to preface this with the all-important disclaimer: Don't worry, I'm not going to do anything stupid. Ok? Ok.
Now then. I wish.
I wish there were a way for me to be done with my life intentionally, without anyone in the aftermath thinking that they had anything to do with it. I mean, really, not to be morbid, but I can honestly say that the only reason I'm allowing myself to stay in existence is because I'm afraid that, regardless of any amount of explaining, someone out there will blame themself and I just don't want that.
It sounds kind of bleak and pathetic to put it that way, but really, honestly, it's true.
Bottom line, when I make my lists (almost daily I do this, I might add, just to stave it off) I come up with lists. Too numerous to list are my reasons to end it all and, in the end, my reason(s) not to is simple: (x) might blame themself. That reason alone is enough not to. We've all felt remorse for any number of things, but the last thing I want is for someone to feel remorse for something they have no business feeling remorse for. Unfortunately, were I absent, I wouldn't be able to convince said person that they weren't responsible.
Fuckin' chicken and the egg.
Stupid semantics.
It comes down to simple math. I don't know how many of you read my manditory reading a few months back, but it still, to this date, sums up my thoughts about an modicum of an afterlife, being an atheist and all.
In the end, I consider myself maintained by the memory(ies) of others. At this point, I don't want to be remembered by thoughts of regret or annoyance (as in, "who does she think she is, bailing like that?!").
In the end, I'll always linger, not to mooch on the disability payments provided by society, not to subsist on the sympathy of others. No. If nothing else, to confound those who didn't know I had issues and only found out after the fact that I dealt with shit better than they when they had nothing to deal with. No, that's not true either, that's just petty.
I honestly don't really know why. Really I don't.
I just know I will, so don't fret, should you have been disposed to otherwise. Fear not.
For the rest of you, so sorry to disappoint, I'll be around. And not just to root for the Sox.
Now then. I wish.
I wish there were a way for me to be done with my life intentionally, without anyone in the aftermath thinking that they had anything to do with it. I mean, really, not to be morbid, but I can honestly say that the only reason I'm allowing myself to stay in existence is because I'm afraid that, regardless of any amount of explaining, someone out there will blame themself and I just don't want that.
It sounds kind of bleak and pathetic to put it that way, but really, honestly, it's true.
Bottom line, when I make my lists (almost daily I do this, I might add, just to stave it off) I come up with lists. Too numerous to list are my reasons to end it all and, in the end, my reason(s) not to is simple: (x) might blame themself. That reason alone is enough not to. We've all felt remorse for any number of things, but the last thing I want is for someone to feel remorse for something they have no business feeling remorse for. Unfortunately, were I absent, I wouldn't be able to convince said person that they weren't responsible.
Fuckin' chicken and the egg.
Stupid semantics.
It comes down to simple math. I don't know how many of you read my manditory reading a few months back, but it still, to this date, sums up my thoughts about an modicum of an afterlife, being an atheist and all.
In the end, I consider myself maintained by the memory(ies) of others. At this point, I don't want to be remembered by thoughts of regret or annoyance (as in, "who does she think she is, bailing like that?!").
In the end, I'll always linger, not to mooch on the disability payments provided by society, not to subsist on the sympathy of others. No. If nothing else, to confound those who didn't know I had issues and only found out after the fact that I dealt with shit better than they when they had nothing to deal with. No, that's not true either, that's just petty.
I honestly don't really know why. Really I don't.
I just know I will, so don't fret, should you have been disposed to otherwise. Fear not.
For the rest of you, so sorry to disappoint, I'll be around. And not just to root for the Sox.
posted by Jess at 11:23 PM
1 Comments:
So glad you decided to satick with us, and I'm sorry I haven't commented...my blog explains why.
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